before i start going off, i wanna say; my parents are good people - they just are misunderstood.
if you cannot help me - that is understandable as i do not have the answer if i was helping myself.
i do suffer from depression/stress/anxiety/autism/ibs/add/cerebral palsy/depersonalizion/advoident personality/http://www.healthhype.com/chronic-sneezing-causes-of-persistent-constant-sneezing-fits.html
i live off of memories
i can make myself sad easy to like crying/i wanna die to live in the past again-tier
i daydream from minutes to hours
i can put on a mask but it does not last long
i have no regrets and am willing to die at any moment
i hold nothing against someone because karma will get them
my life is the way it is because i decided to have it like this and would not change anything about it because it could had happened similar in another life.
the days/nights go by but i do not seek anything from them that they have handed to me before.
there are somethings i do not wanna know about that i should but i would not have the wondering about that thing i had before.
yesterday was dream because woke up today
everyday is same - only clouds change
life is a memory. keep it until it fades or forget it by force.
i would rather be in pain than inflect pain to other.
i do not use the word 'hate' as i do not /hate/ anyone/thing - just /really/ dislike someone/thing.
i use my gut feeling more than think.
suicide is only used as a last resort or when you are ready to exit this world by 100% gut feeling.
i believe in karma and someone/thing watches over you.
there is no such thing as 'evil' - just [mis]understood/guided.
growing up is hard - living is harder.

there are a few things that keeps me living and not giving up.
one of them is hopeing tomorrow is better than today.
another reason is my family
and that the higher ups will take me out when they know it is my time to go
am still living because i still have things to do.

even tho, i have mental problems and been single since 24.2.2007 at 7pm est or even the 3rd grade before that,
even tho, am a couch potato shut-in neet that has his mom shave him and has a 'wife',
even tho, there are things going on the the world and how the dating game works.
i still look towards the sky in hopes of a better tomorrow.
i still hope that i will raise a family with a female i want to die with.
even tho, i have images of my family dying and images of the afterlife.
i am still living until it is my time to go.
and i can feel my time is slipping.
 
i will not look down to see you but will look up to meet you.


i turned 28 in feb
28 on the
2nd month
8th day
2018 year
8pm
under full moon
>i die that year or in my 30s [since been seeing trianlges all the time since the start of the year]
calling it
been single/irl friendless since 07
that is 10years ago
10 is an even number
8 is an even number
10 - 8 = 2
i have 2years left until i am 30
i have ~32years left to live
32 - 2 = 30
i was suppose to be born JAN[1]/21/1990
1/21 to 2/8 = 17days
my brother who will be turning 26 in 2018 was burn MAR[3]/17/1992 under a new moon
JAN to MAR is 3months
me + my brother makes 2 siblings
8 has 2 circles in it
the sun/moon = 2 circles
we moved from florida to kentucky
that is a
12hour drive
been here for almost 6 full years
2012 has a 2 in it
12hours has a 2 in it
6 + 2 = 8
he was born on a TUES
i was born on a THURS
TUES through THURS = 2days away


>had my first crush in kindergarden. her name was Erika. i had to move away.
>2nd crush/first GF was in 3rd grade. her name was samantha. we had our desk together the whole 3rd grade. we both moved away from each other.
>3rd crush was in 4th grade. i remember her face - not her name. i moved away.
>4th crush/2nd ALMOST GF was when i was in 10th grade. chubby so random xd ditzy schoolgirl who was into anime/cosplaying. was with her for 6months and 3weeks. she was and still is a lesbian but i did not know what a lesbian was so i told her i was also into girls. got her number and everything. it was anime-school style for 4months. i was always the happy-go-lucky clown but got word that my mom found me a school to transfer that was closer to her work. everyone in the school took notice but did not say anything because how the funny clown was running low on energy.
>mom let me spend that last friday of feb [ 22.2.2007 ] at my school. school was having a party and being how it always was. good times and all. i told noone about what was happening but my best friend since 04 and her.
>finial hour of school left
>everyone conga-line dancing and music playing
>all the happy faces and cheering
>she waved to invite me to join
>i sat at a table with my arms crossed and head down
>the noise from everything faded
>i looked around and just saw everything going slow with no sound
>i cried 4hours when i got home and emailed her a long ass love letter
>her birthday was on the 24th that weekend
>day-ending at the beach anime style
>everyone is there
>i walk far away and sit and write her name in the sand them rub it out
>depressed/bipolar/suicidail/etc until 09
>grad hs in 2010
>got on ssi
>became a couch potato collecting her pictures and looking at everyone's fb
>she is not the person she used to be from back than because an illness got to her
that illness is tumblr.


>bio-dad was a swinger who did extreme drugs while being a mason in the 80s
>hooked up with my mom who was a preppy thicc party girl who fell for the 80s big hair big make-up party/mall meme [went to clubs/discos]
>was born on 2/8/90 with autism/cerebral palsy/cat's cry [almost died at birth because not enough air]
>brother was almost died when he was 5/i was 7 by some flu back in '97 [he had blacoma/ashma] but he grew up normal
>parents broke up when i was 6
>childhood was fun but had alot of bumps in road. was that kid who had bandaids all over him and got sick very easy/brother grew up normal with some bumps. everyone has bumps in growing up.
>teenage years were fun
i cannot type anymore without crying.

toddler 1 - 5;
>born 2/8/90 - 17days after i was suppose to be born [almost died at birth because lack of air]
>brother born 3/17/92
>we both did not know what was going on with parents so we just played outside in the summer/watched tv and played gameboy+snes when it got too cold outside to play
>had a friend next door who we played with
>was that kid who ate ants off the wall/had 2 friends/had my first crush in K
>i got held back in 1st grade for sleeping [insomnia]/made few friends and a rival

childhood 6 - 12;
>moved to another school while parents were breaking up/visit dad every other weekend but he was just having over girls at first house while mom was looking for another job while she lived in an apt
>had a black friend
>rode the short bus to new school
>had to finish my milk at lunch
>one of my teachers had an old record player that would play records while talking ABCs on them
>1st great-grandparent died - gaga
>i would write letters with pencil+paper to my bio-dad telling him how much i loved and missed him - never got a letter back from him
>got sick very easy and had to take a lot of medicine 
>do not remember much from 2nd grade besides that
3rd grade was a blast for me
>had 3 very close friends[a jewish kid named joey,that black kid from 2nd grade and a girl named juile from the philippines]+my rival[alex wilson]+whole classroom full of friends
>had my first gf [teacher put our desk together. before that, i had to sit next to a fat kid named garret[?]]
>we had that one kid with spikey hair that could draw pokemon
>had that kid named nicolis[?]
>2 teachers
but afterschool my 'friends' picked on me and i spent most afternoons crying while waiting for my mom to pick me up - we got along but it was a development phase kids go through
summerschool was fun
>lock-ins
>gaming tournaments
>coloring books
just goofying around - even tho there were like just 10 kids there

4th grade;
>was 9 and my brother was 7
>the school was in those side-trailers the school had around for ESE students
>we had that kid who could not do his Rs or something [named roger green who lived by the school in an apt with his sister bee]
>the crosseyed wheelchair kid named corey who had a hot mom who worked serving food at lunch. i can still remember what he looked like; small blue eyes with golden short hair and chubby cheeks. i still remember he telling me 'you talk too much - you don't listen' and his corky laugh like a country yeehaw cowboy type
>we had that girl that was obsessed with lizards [i think she had a crush on me]. she had black long hair and freckles
>a girl from when i was in 2nd grade was there. her name was amberly newbaker. did not know much words and had the downs. auburn coconut style hair.
>then there was Valery who was crippled but sweetest girl ever. she could BARELY walk without her crutches. i saw her have a seizure once in the park when we were all in the school's park area - i saw her a few times after that but that was all.
we all would watch PBS recorded shows on our teacher's vhs player hooked to the tv
>1st grandparent died - George 

AGES 10 - 12/grade 5 - 7
>that whiny big headed kid who would tell his mom on you if he did not get his way but had an indoor swiming pool/backyard castle+swing set and a dog that pooped orange poo
he also had that marble tube thing
he lived next door to me on the left
then we had steven who was a mexica with a boring persona but only kid with a dreamcast [ he lived in the house across from trevor ]
then we had a kid named dusty who was obsessed with buzz lightyear and kept failing 1st grade
had a big crt tv right next to his bed
and he had a skateboard
or bike
idk [he lived to the right of steven]
then a few houses over
we had the school princeapal
then a few more houses over
we had megan and zack[?] who i went to sunday school with
zack had that juggulo-vibe
and a binder full of rare pokemon cards
then we had holly which was a 6yo who invited me to tea-parties
and had watermelon with [she lived across from me]
the whiny kid moved and we got a tomboy girl named bailey who had a crush on dusty
we would all should each other what we got for christmas and try to be there for each other on birthdays
sometimes go with each other during halloween.

5th grade;
>was 10/brother 8
things were doing OK at home. house full of pets/friends nearby/step-dad got into drinking and took things away when we had bad grades and did some 'rough learning' to us when he was a drunk or even when we did something wrong. just was some of the development stages we had to go through because not everything could be all sunshine and rainbows.
>mom played video games with us
>we had some pets die in the past and some friends we had to leave in the dust
>cousins were born around this time but am just sticking to what i saw
>we went to diff states to see relatives
5th grade was ok. not much happened.
>got in trouble with friending a black kid
>rival was there with his sidekid named john.
>john was the 'my uncle works at so and so' type kid
>we had the gay kid named celab who has nascar and boyband stickers on his things
>had the 'that's so funny i forgot to laugh' type kid who wore glasses and had a whiney voice
>we had a mexicant named carlos who barely knew english
>we had the kid with autism named colab that watched too much sponebob
>there was a black girl who stomped on the ground sometimes 'to stomp on the devil' and was biblebelt craze
>feel off the kidkare karate van and landed my eyebrow on a chumb
afterschool karate was something else. went there from 3rd - 5thgrade. would had enjoied it more if i did not shit my pants everytime the place wanted to go on a trip because of ibs. i was that kid who shat his pants and did the ninja run.

6th - 7th grade;
>got picked on by niggers in an ESE class in a public middle school to the point where they threaten my family and i wanted to off meself almost daily
>went home almost at lunch almost daily because i could not take it

i cannot type 8th - 10th grade [aug.2003 - feb.2007] because they are too pure and i only wish to go back to those happy joyful days. everything just was /right/ in my life and just just. i had it all back then. i felt alive and free. each night, i pray to go back to those days. i think about them daily. i dream about them. it all was moving like dream. i can still feel feelings i had back then. we all helped each other out and shared good/bad times. i went over to my grandparents house as often as i could and went to church with my grandpa every single sunday. i was still in the place where my neighborhood friends were until the end of 8thgrade.

2007
>had to move away because 50 something year old step-dad told my mom that was in her 40s that my current school [was in 10th grade/getting As and Bs/was school clown/social skills were at peaked/had tons of friends/had a GF/etc at an all-grade private christain uniform-tier school for the special needs.] was too childish [read as i was had something he did not] maybe that is not the full reason but that is that part i remembered.
>moved schools over the weeked and had to break up on my GF's 14th birthday after our trip to the beach
>depression starts up and everything went to shit

2008
>depression moves into the emo fade and i start cutting and shit because of those 'how to be emo' youtube videos
>almost sent to wards because of suicidail thoughts
>school being shit because all i do is be depressed
>got job as a food bagger but still depressed
>start listening to edgy shit like slipknot
>blame my friends and GF for my problems and threw that happy world away because of a phase
>started listening to 'metal' but still depressed a bit
>tell people at work am an atheist and fedora shit

2009
>fedora phase hits more
>go through phase where i did not know what i was talking about and just went into the dumb teen phase again
>am more dumb than depressed because of the pills after zombie-mode passed
>started using 4ch
>started doing things people told me to do over the internet

2010
>grad hs
>lost job
>got on ssi
>still in the dumb teen phase somewhat
>grandma died of cancer
>depressed for a few months

2011
>just stayed at home. nothing really happened. hung out with only friend more after hs
>friend gets a GF
>i stay single

2012
>tried to have sex but could not focus enough
>moved to Kentucky

2014
i got on a program called CLS [community living solutions] + behavior therapist support to help me with life/social skills, in 2013. CLS started getting me active and helping me out with stuff but they were becoming bothersome visiting often and not giving me enough space to clear my head. the 1st BT [behavior therapist] helped a bit then saw i was shutting down on him because i did not like him so he saw that my mom was a gateway for him to turn her againest me.

15.2.2015
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yEdQsSc0Co0

9.5.2015
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j3RqgKVILV4

25.7.2015
social worker who is also a behavior therapist [worked 20 years in army and 20 years in a mental ward] is a full blown out 'normal' person [thinks getting out there and talking to people while helping out in the community FOR FREE is going to help change the way of society and making it better and stuff] that gathers his popcorn and pushes my buttons to watch me go full on panic attack and calls my mom up and tells her baby-boomer female-inpowerment things to get me more upset so she can take out her stress on me so she can feel good.. get this; the goy knows how to play the game to gather up his fully earned gold coins.

who is going to listen to a tard who has a hard-time talking and getting words out while unable to take care of himself? lol that is the joke!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B0Ss88oDnSo

update Wednesday, August 26, 2015;
got rid of that cheeky cocky cunt.
i feel like a lot has been lifted off and can move on.

23.10.2015
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fvly-2h03I8

10/12/2015;
>step-dad was acting like a brat that i moved some chips into the bin instead of where he put them [which were blocking the other bags of chips] then closed the door after saying 'save some for the family.'
lol
he only has 19days left
he is squatting at my mom's place until end of month.
not even member of family anymore
mom got rid of her ring
am gunna wait until he messes himself up
if he messes himself up then he is out of house but still has 19days left
so he is being a brat
lol
>le bug in tea jar in ye room
>le chips moved
i have not had a bug problemo since we moved to kentucky in 2012 + i check my bottles before i throw them out + my window is closed tight
my bottles go in the garage lol
he was acting nervous when i told him that then went into another room to have his nth smoke then he comes in me room talking about
>'is that your 2nd bag of chips?'
>'y u no put chips back?'
>'y u no save chips for family?'
>'le i already put chips back because grown up thing to do'
>'le grow up'
>'le take respondablity but i do things for you because me grown up full adult man at age 60 look out for little weak child sucking on mommy's tit at age 25'
wah wah
and am like nigga please whatever
am just smug because he has 19days left
now am just gunna wear me tits around the house and go full tumblr lgbt on him
>muh female in male's body
>muh 5years of talking about it
>muh feels
>muh acception
>muh bad male rolemodels in past
inb4 he tells me to take a shower with me fake tits on to try and degrade me
inb4 he goes back to drinking and everything that comes with it near the last 5days

14/12/2015;
>new female BT visited
she told me
>she is not going to ask me how i feel about something like 'and how does that make you feel?'
i would like to do those ink blob and 'say the first thing that you can think of when i say []' tests
>i do not have to talk to her if i do not want too
i am thinking what she meant was i do not have to talk in the car
then she asked me about some of me background
then had me sign a paper like a big stack of papers and left.

29/12/2015;
'i see ye are counting down the days until he gets kicked out and ye just been a hermit eating in your room but am not trying to mock ye lifestyle because i live how i want too and am sure you want too also but he is a changed man because he goes to AA meeting [which i drive him too but he knows how to take the bus but am not gunna be an enabler to anyone anymore. so strong. much independence. no man. u go gurl] and is trying to stay clean but am also waiting for him to mess up. much change. such clean. my feels are upset because you do not interact with the family like you used too. now you just eat/drink in your room while i bring you more food in your room and not see you the rest of the day and let you be how you are but not no more because i am a strong white independent 50yearold grown female who do not need to be told anything because muh house muh rules! if you do not like it then grow up and move out or shelter! where be my little boy at? where did he go? le guilt trips le human shielding le le le le le! oh and also bought a female basset hound because of his face is so le sad all the time! enjoy the headaches from the whining but cannot live off Advil forever. but wanna go to books-a-million with me? :)' - me mom

4/1/2016;
>female behavior therapist asked me to show her how i would use the oven/microwave to heat up food
>i do while making a week menu [which has mostly chicken tendies on it] since me mom is gunna be gone this week and step-dad is staying at home blasting his Beatles songs and reading about Steve jobs and smoking and whatnot
>she asked me about me teeth
>i told her i only have about 5 left that need worked on but only sting when i have over 30g of sugar
>we talked a bit about moving out and me mom taking me to 2 places to check out
>she asked me if i have stinky/sweaty feet [because she wanted to check out me room and it has an odor like a male gym locker room. i sweat in me sleep.] and i felt very unease about someone like /her/ asking me that. she told me she has stinky/sweaty feet because she runs a lot then asked me which type of girlfriend i wanted but i sperged out and told her none at the moment because am trying to get me life on track.

7/1/2016;
>step-dad [age 60] applied for a job after 37days of being a neet and would have been getting 1k a month from unemployment check[s] if he stayed a neet
>he was talking to me in a tone of 'i have a job and you do not. i have something to show for my work and will be making good to society. [the usual wagekek talk]' while showing me to how fold a bag of animal crackers the /correct/ way because i cannot have the /whole/ bag to myself but can bring other non-messy foods into my room because as i said 'i have not had a bug problemo since we moved to Kentucky in 2012 + i check my bottles before i throw them out + my window is closed tight' but he will throw more coal in the fire by saying
> le crumbs
everything has 'crumbs' to it if smashed enough
>muh OCD
you have said many times that you do not go into my room but i have caught you many times in my room [of room, i mean, my current room and not the last house we lived in.] but many of them are related to something like
1) using one of my laptops in the dark when i got back from taking a shower. the chat we had was;
ME; what are you doing?
YOU; your charger is not connected to your computer.
ME; i know because i disconnected it but why are you using it?
YOU; i wanted to see if it was on and working.
ME; i can see that it is on and working because you are using it but why?
you got up and walked fast out of my room because you got caught and you knew you were doing someone wrong.
>been on the bux [500usd a month while staying at me mom's [mom took him off the lease of the house and removed her ring.] but will get 733usd + food stamps when i move out] while being a hermit since 2010.
>niggaplease.gif

18/1/2016;
>BT [behavior therapist] visited
i had pictures just in case they they wanted to slip my le shit silly and gone on about their day feeling good about themselves because they got another free golden ticket to watch me sperg out with a side order of feels and popcorn but mostly feels.
now am gunna list somethings she did in no order;
>called me a hipster
when we were talking about the apartment area, she told me that 'all the hipsters are going in the area.' and 'a hipster is a younger cool person like you.'
nigga_please
bitch_please
me and the 'hipsters' are migrating west for the winter
let me break that shit down.

me and the weak left-winged indie style coffee stained handle bar faggots the has a label called 'hipsters' are going to roll in toxic waste and get wings and then make a band called 'Me & The Hipsters' but we are only going to play in local areas and disband when we get mainstream. with those wings, we are gunna pick up most of our indie-coffee shit to the west. do you know what is in the west? niggers! niggers are in the west of louisville KY. me and the 'hipsters' want our boipussy fucked by niggers and i only know of 1 by the name of kelvin heggs. gee, interracial/cuckolding trend is /the/ IT thing to do since /hipsters/ are going at it. is this 2011 again? also, do not label me since am going to be a 'hipster' and should make a tumblr while taking pictures of food and brick walls.

>tried to guilt-trip me
am i watching the plane scene of BM;TDKR because if i am then should not ye be dead because i pulled ye mask off? '4me'. JUST DO IT '4me'. it think the term is '4u' as in 'are you a big guy?' and the only think i can JUST do is i can JUST CUCK MY SHIT UP since am going to be fucked by niggers with the hipsters. but - ye did get me to drink lactos-milk which is now as you said '4me' since i drank it from the jug with me tongue in it.. bend over bitch boy!, time for ye milk enema! i have had an enema before because me mom gave me one. i had to pull down me pants and lay sideways on me bed as she looks into a blackhole and stuck an enema up me ass. poo poo pee pee mommy clean me ;] you want a girlfriend someday, don't you? i looked at her and said 'no. i am gunna be and stay single for the rest of me life. i do not subscribe to guilt-trips or human-sheilding and i do not orbit my life around schedules. why? because it will make me overload and have a headache trying to rush everything in a limited time.'.

>acted high and mighty and smug
reminds me of /someone/ i used to know [read update Tuesday, August 25, 2015]. good thing, i had the guts to say no and talk meself out of it before /that/ shit started again. how did i talk meself out? she wanted me to take a picture of everything i did as in what i did in the bathroom and kitchen with a date-mark and a time-mark. nope. fuck that shit! she leaned back with a big fucking grin ear-to-ear with arms crossed and shorted 'EVERY. SINGLE. DAY'. she even stopped at the periods like 'EVERY.' stop 'SINGLE.' stop 'DAY.' stop. oh boy!, the slap-stick does not stop there! when i came back from the other room, she was talking to my parents! not allowed to do that since /you/ said and the contract stated [somewhere about me do/don't rights] that you will not treat MY seasons like group-therapy because i KNOW my parents are going to say /anything/ to get at me to make me the bad-guy and them correct with using the saying 'respect your elders' while wearing a big fake smile. respect is not given to someone on command like a big golden plate. it is earned! but wait! saying 'sorry ;[' will cut the cake and give you another free pass to slap me shit and play dumb. oh? i have not changed me bed sheets in 3 weeks? she visited LAST LAST friday which is 2 weeks but add 1 more week to make it sound like it is the end of the world and am a slob. speaking of being a slob, i do not follow or subscribe to what is the IN thing because of a guide or a fashion/health tip. it is my body not someone else's.'

in other news, i made her freak out and stutter because i do not like star-wars.
i also told her the spoilers of the 7th movie which made her sad.

22/1/2016
>60yo step dad that has OCD [read as neat-freak] and is scared of germs
>told me [25yo shut-in neet with autism and cerebral palsy] to clean me bathroom floor with a bucket of water and a rag while guilt tripping me like 'what if you had your own apartment, what would you do?' 'your mom and me are not going be around forever.' 'you need to know how to do this sooner or later.'
>when i told him that i saw no problemo with my bathroom, the only answer he could come up with was 'the floor /is/ dirty because i can see germs all about.'
>he showed me how to do small wipes on the floor
>he moved out of the way and handed me the rag and pointed to the spot then walked and stood in doorway
>i thought that if i just put a towel over the vent then the water would not go to the basement then put down more towels after i dumped the water to dry the floor but could not do that
>take rag and go to the spot
>autism_sets_in
>fuckthisshit.gif
>get bucket and pour half of it on the floor
>ohshitniggawhatareyoudoing.gif - me step dad
>hear a scream from basement
>me mom came to the upstairs bathroom looking like the blob was about to enter the house
>sixtyniggers.jpeg - me mom
>takes me to the basement as stepdad follows [am glad she was not the kind that held onto me ear]
>almost get into a shouting match while stepdad plays the dindu nufflin card and me mom plays the what if this happened card
>me step dad gets smug for a moment and says 'well. you know what? you-'
>i fucked stopped him and talked me way out of having him take away something as punishment for idk how long [can he still do that kind of shit?]
>just get sent to me room while he cleans the bathroom
>get this feeling of gotta do something besides do what i was doing while feeling like it is my fault [ever get that feel?]
>everything seemed like it has calmed down [putting my ear to the door]
>see trash in me room and debate about taking it out and what they would say
>fuckit.jpeg
>get to me step dad and tell him to ignore me the whole day and let me do my own thing because i do not have any energy to deal with anything atm
>rogerthat.jpeg - me step dad
>i make some tendies in oven and clean me room while waiting
>things go back to normal

later karma kicks in and gives me a rash on me balls and sides.
i walk to me bathroom looking like i am holding shit in me pants and i apply cream to rash spots.

26/1/2016;
>BT visited
she said I /may/ have to work like a parttime job to get my ssi up just a bit.
LOL
ssi =/= job
I asked her how savings works in a bank and she kept saying 'well IF you /had/ a small part time job...'.
lol
and the thing I rekt her with was
'the point of a job is to get money. I get money from ssi without having a job. so why should I have a job when I already get money for doing nothing?'
then told her I already picked out a place to move too and rekt her from driving me to other places.
she said there is a difference between looking at something on googlemaps and going to see it irl.
so next Monday on the 1st at 12:30pm, we are gunna drive around where I am going to move too.
I have already been around that part multiple times.
#wastehertime

15/2/2016;
It had been 3months since that doctor lady started visiting me and I feel she is not working for me. She has told me I could get rid of her at anytime. She has made me uncomfortable in public. She lied about not going to talk about me behind me back to my parents. She mislabeled me as a ‘hipster’ (a hipster is a person who acts snobby or above someone who believes they have better taste in something/someone and look down on someone that shares the same taste.) as I do not have that personality at all. She has invaded my privacy by wanting to know what I have been doing and making me feel down in the dumps and drained from the vibe that she gives making list of things I already know how to do (the lack of taking a shower I understand because of motivation but I do not have the grasp of the idea that daily showers are /needed/. I do take them when I have a rash or going to go out to eat or just need to wake myself up).

I am now doing my own wash, food and stuff that I was not doing plus I feel that she has done her job to help me find places and a waitinglist. I did talk to her about wanting to be a female and she was talking about trying to change my style as of what I wore and how I kept my hair. the list that she makes does not help me move forward as of experience. i am not gaining anything from the EXP as of getting better at something. how can i get better at taking a shower or making boneless wing in the oven or even doing my wash? i am just getting used to the idea and doing it in a pattern. i get nothing that i can hold as a reward. i cannot psychically hold a feeling. what do i do with 'good job.' only to hear it again when i am ordered to do it again. it seems pointless to build me up with confidence when the waitinglist for the place i applied for is 9month hold. i can understand if it was like 2month hold but 9months seems far [the way i look at it]. when someone visits weekly i am ok with it at first but then i get nervous and my anxiety runs up which is followed by stress which is followed by headaches waiting for them and going on rants/agurements with myself on what we will say/do when they get here. i do not have enough time to clear my mind because of the things they want me to do while they are away because it will linger until i do them then it seems like a rush for them to get here. i would very much like it if they came at the first monday and last monday of each month for about 30minutes because i do not know how to fill up 2hours or so. they can make list like if i have something to eat i have to make a check if i made it or someone watched me make it or someone made it for me then reward me somehow if i did it all by myself so i would feel the need to do more of those things.

6.3.2016;
told me mom about https://www.inhousepharmacy.vu/p-1313-procur-50mg-cyproterone.aspx but she is more irl face-to-face than just taking advice from someone online without knowing them but not in a stranger danger way - more of; see what the person says and suggest ye take before you just buy something like this willy-nilly.

>'you could /die/ if you take the wrong thing.'
says 'die' like it is a bad thing for me

>keeps asking me if i am sure i wanna go through with it
since age 19 [am 26] of talking about it off and on/having ddcup silicone tits since october of 2015/growing out my hair and buying female clothes - i would think i am sure of /this/. after all your talk about how i should not trust people that are trans, you end the talk by saying that you do not mean stranger danger and i should not be a MTF because am a male and should not take trans pills to be a female? lol!

i hear all these people dying from cancer or getting killed by something on the news and am like 'where the fuck is my cancer?'. not that i am in a rush to die, just my life since 2010 [grad hs and got on ssi with 500usd a month] as been like a slice-of-life anime and i have no regreats think i can think of. no debts to owe. no rent/bills to pay since i live with my parents. no chores to do but taking care of me wash once the bin fills up. i used to get the trash can and bring it in while getting the mail but since step-dad is back living with me - he seems the house maid because that ocd. i get high off audio. wear my ddcup silicone tits around the house but the shoestring digs into me neck so i have to take me tits off when that happens. if they kick me out, i will go to the police station about report them for kicking me out because i have MILD autism/cerebal palsy and muh LGBT RIGHTS..if all else fails then go to the ward for like 3days then report them again adding muh ward trip but i do help around the house when asked/needed.
i mostly picture it as if am on my own since am moving into me own apartment this year.
longest time of the day is around 3pm est - 4pm est. just feels like turning off everything and laying down on the ground while the light hits you.
i do not drugs and i do not drink.
still a virgin with no irl friends/gf.

7.3.2016
>washes dog toys in the wash
>I get ready to do my own wash and see dog toys in wash
>take dog toys out of wash and do my wash
>go back into room and wait
>stepdad gets butt-hurt and yells for me
>he asked why the dog toys are out of the wash
>I tell him >putting dog toys in the wash > 2016
>he gets more butt-hurt
>he tells me that I did not ask questions before doing my own wash
>he tell me thinking is dangerous
>he puts dog toys back into dyer and does my wash also

11.3.2016
>stepdad took 2usd while i was sleeping and 10usd a few weeks ago for uber [he just need 4usd when he took the 10usd]
>mom gave me 5usd to cover him and said she will give me another 5usd tomorrow
>he went for a walk in 50f at night to a bank that is a 15minute walk to just get 2usd with a bad back
>tfw the 2usd were somewhere in me room
>mfw i get 7 extra dollars
>mfw i already get 500usd a month and like have 2k in savings
>mfw the dentist gave me a check for 87usd because he owed me [i already spent like 20usd of it]
i am not even a jew.

when I was talking to him about it, he said I would have to keep his change when he buys me fastfood.
I just told him 'well. yeah. you paid for it.' then told him I had gift cards.
that is what ye get for being cocky when telling me to close a door. nvm that 7usd extra.
they just gave me like 15usd instead 'for my troubles.'
and here I am just eating muffins in bed and watching muh animu.
>troubles

30.3.2016;
>finish making food in the oven and putting the pans back
>pan hits head on dog cookie jar
>see it roll and hear a crash
>fuck.jpg
>go around the island in the kitchen to see big mess
>'welp. better find the broom.' i think to meself
>find broom while step-dad keeps the puppy bassit-hound away from the glass
>was told to get the dust-pan
>step-dad and i clean the mess
>try to call mom. no answer. text her and sent a picture.
>get buttmad about all the messages since she was in a meeting [i did not know]
>rushes home
>try to explaine to her how it was an easy fix [make a new lid with tinfoil and make a hole and tape the rest of it on the bottom part of the jar.]. nope. try to show her how to fix it. nope. try to talk to her about what to do with it. she just wants a new one because it is missing the dog head.
>really.jpg
>she goes on about how fixing it would not be that same as the dog head and does not have time to agure with me because it is just a cookie jar and wants a new cookie jar the same as the one we had.
>i wanted to tell her 'like me when you had another kid 2years later?' when she said 'i have broken stuff in the past a few times and paid to get a new one.' but kept me mouth closed
>store that sold the jar moved location
>whatever.gif
is this what wagies deal with when dumb people come to their store?
>tfw 60yo step-dad got a min.wage job at battery and bulbs store working 40h week
jar must have had costed 25usd and i still need to cash me 87usd check from the dentist a few weeks ago and in a few days i get another 500usd from ssi? heh.

30.4.2016
>mom being headstrong today and in one of her 'muh house muh rules! it is muh day today! female inpowerment!' moods
>have to make tendies meself
>mom got haircut but now looks the same but with the downs
>decide to make tendies
>forgot to put pans away
>step-dad does nothing but throws normie advice at me saying things  like 'me and your mom are not gunna be here forever, you need to learn how to do stuff on your own.' 'i would help you but you would not learn anything if i did.' 'time to grow up and take charge.' then says 'just trying to help. :)' saying all that is a high-horse tone because he got a wagie job at age 60 working the cash-register and standing on his feet for 40hours a week but just started working last week.
>88yo grandma wants to come over and me mom has to get up from her seat and drive 30minutes to pick her up and drive 30minutes back then me mom and step-dad has to be me grandma's jester for the whole weekend when all they wanted to do is sit down and take a break for atleast 5minutes. heh. so much for 'muh day off!' mood.

this is what happens what ye act high to someone lower than you.
enjoy ye weekend wagies because back to work on monday then ye get a break on tuesday but then ye have to go back to a full week + weekend of working. ;]

14.5.2016
>be in me room just doing nothing
>step-dad knobks on me door
>tell him me door is open
>he does half-ass job setting me folded clothes down and knocks shirts on the ground
>i put them away and go back on me bed like nothing happened
later
>me mam opens me door telling me step-dad and her are gunna do errands and gunna see a movie
>asked her what movie about
>tells me it is an action/thriller
>asked her again
>says she does not know but name of it is 'closed captions' she told me
>look up movie name she told me and find no such movie playing at movie place
>am rushed out the door because wanted to also see this 'movie'
>brother and his wife [age 24/22] is gunna go see a movie named 'the recliner' at same movie place
>that movie sounds more fun than the one me parents are gunna see
>we get to movie place but bro/wife did not have any money on them to spend
>would figured i would help with just the ticket
>parents and bro/wife tricked me into seeing 'money monster' with them
>they want something to eat/drink [they are fat walmart-tier shaped people]
>they get 2 extra large drinks and popcorn with butter and 2 hotdogs
>get in our seats
>previews start
>fucking windows 10 is best windows preview
>fucking marvel shit preview
>bro/wife move to very front row
>movie is starting
>bro shouts 'thanks for the food!' to me from where he is
>he starts making out with his wife
>get out me phone and look up the movie
>seems like not my type of movie
>shut off phone and get out fat nintendo ds
>start playing ff2 on it with music off
>find some tunes on me mp3 player but have volume on low
>sit there for a while playing ds and listening to tunes while movie is playing
>tell me mom [3seats from me] that imma go to the potty [am age 26]
>walk out of movie area blinding people with me ds
>sit on bench near the bathroom playing ds and listening to tunes while waiting for movie to be over
>mom comes check on me
>tell her i need to go potty
>mom tell me to go to do it if i need to go
>mom walks back into movie area
>urge to shit pants is coming
>sit on bench shitting me pants
>now have to sit with shit in me pants for 30 more minutes while wagies and people walk by as am getting looks
>movie over
>tell me mam i made mess in me pants
>she sighs
>fam rushes out of place and drives me home which makes me step-dad miss going to somewhere he wanted to go that was next door to movie place
>get home
>clean up

I asked my parants why they could have just watched the movie or vudu or whatever or just wait for the DVD to come out instead of going to a movie place and they said 'we go for the experince.'.

24.5.2016
>60yo stepdad comes in me room [looking like he just had a wank. like he has anything better to do because he stopped working at his wagie job because his legs hurted from standing all the time and now just living off of unemployment for 2months] with paper and pen asking me if i want anything from the store
>tell him i get the same thing everything i go so i do not need to make a list
>he looks disappointed
>goes near me door and looks around me room
>tells me to take a shower
>i told him i took one yesterday
>he tells me to take one daily
>slams me door on his way out
>call me mom and tell her what happened
>she just tells me 'aslong as you took one recently.'
i do not ever bugged him with his lifestyle. i know he is being headstrong/butthurt about something but cannot put me finger on it.
a few minutes later
>60yo baby boomer normie stepdad played the victim when i did not wanna go out and do something because he stopped working 2days ago because his legs were hurting from his standing job to stand all day for 9hours.
him;
>guess you are not my friend if you do not wanna go outside tomorrow and do something.
me
>i do not have any money or a car
him
>we do not have to have money to enjoy our time together. i also do not have a car but we can take uber and go somewhere. wanna go to X?
me
>i went to X yesterday.
him
>wanna go to the mall?
me
>i went there yesterday too. would rather buy things online since 80% of a mall is for females
then as he tries to get the dog out of my room, he mutters
>let's go dog. let us leave the girl in her room. she seems agurementive.
>tfw am a M2F and was sick with no energy
later
>he kept alerting me that me mom was gunna call/text me to meet me outside to take me to the store with her
>call mom to check if she talked to him over the phone
>she did not
>still sick in bed
>she brings me food/drinks instead of me going with her and some fastfood
>he hurries off to smoke in the gerage
later
>overhear me mom tell him that he only have 5usd left or something in his bank

26.5.2016
>called me mom when i woke up [like always]
>she is going to store tonight but step-dad is going out to the store to get some hotdog buns before it rains
a few minutes later
>ask step-dad if i can go with him to the store if i got on pants
>'n-no. i-i am n-not going to the sstore. i have not even got dressed yet. will go later. much later. plus, you have not taken a shower in 4days.'
>go back to my room and count the days since monday [last i had a shower]. 2 = 4. makes sense. okay. he full of shit but okay.
>wait a while after i hear door close
>get dressed and see the door is unlocked from inside when he closed it. get spare house key.
>walk up to store and see him walking with 2 fulls bags.
>he sees me and hides the bags behide his back and gives me the most dumbest smile. a 60yo man dressed in a half-ass way and is balding walking with 2 bags of beer/hotdog buns while smiling with missing teeth and most of his teeth are yellow. IN PUBLIC!
>he tries to small talk in a nervous tone and trying to hide the bags while we walk back home.
>i tell him straight up that i saw and know what is in the bags.
>he starts sweating a storm and trying to talk.
>i get out me phone and tell him am playing a game but really trying to take picture of the bags.
>take pictures of the bags and send them to me mom
>she has a very long talk to him.
>she calls me back and tells me she is not sure to send him back to the ward or not because she really wants to see him get back on his feet. he drinks because he is 'depressed' and 'sad' that he has nothing to do since he stopped working about last week because his legs were hurting from his standing job that he applied for and worked for about 2months.
>hang up and take a shower and not mess with him.
MUCH LATER
>he comes to my room asking if i wanted a hotdog. his voice is in shambles.
later
>gives me my hotdog.
>tells me he cares for me and all that.
>tells me he threw away all of his beer [i know he still has it].
>tells me he contacted his AA team and gunna go there for a few more times and also to therapy more.
>tells me again he cares for me and all that.
>i just wait for him to spot talking
>now he starts begging and saying sorry to me
>he stops talking and i wait a while before i talk
>'if you are sorry, why did you do this a 3rd time? you say i am your son but do things like this? i do not feel sorry for you at all - friend. remember what you told me yesterday about not wantiong to be my friend anymore if i did not go out with you? would a friend do the things you have been doing? you are just playing hide-and-seek with my mom and the people that are trying to help you because they are not there all the time. while the cat is away, the mice will play? remeber that saying? you can say you are sorry to me all you want but i did not do anything. i was not apart of what you have been doing. do what you want, drink beers/do drugs/have wild sex and get STDs or HIVs - whatever! you just have 2months left here now anyways. you already ruined your bond with me and is that something you wanna look back on during your last days? the ship has sailed but it is up to you to swim to it.' i said to him.
>he looked at me and left my room.

29.5.2016
>mom was going to instant kick out step-dad for being a drunk again
>gave him 2months to get his shit together [again]
>goes to a pub to drink more
>mom goes out for a few hours to clear her thoughts after telling me she is gunna divorce him after the 2months are up [again]

6.6.2016
>relaxing in bed
>female therapist called
>told her 'there was no need for me to go anywhere since i was out 3days in a row so far. am broke and there is nothing new to tell about the progress of me getting my own place.' offered her to take me somewhere.
>she asked me about walking a mall
>told her 'we have done that already and that i buy my stuff online and am broke.'
>asked her 'if she has walked a bridge before?'
>she says 'no.' and tells me to get ready and wear something warm because it is 84F outside and she already has sunburns
>i take a shower and get ready then wait for her outside
>she pulls up to the gerage and i open car door
>she starts judging me on what i wore [light hoodie/basic color shirt/jeans and shoes [vans]] while she wore a black tanktop/shorts and sandels
>asked 'if i had any summer-wear and if i was hiding any scars or anything since i wore long stuff all the time?'
>said that 'i wore stuff like this all year-round and that i do not like to show my arms/legs.'
>she kept asking me 'why i did not wear stuff that is the norm?' and about my arms/legs
>got tired of her nagging and said 'am going inside.'
>she asked 'if i was gunna put on something more normal?'
>i said 'no.' and got out of the car
>she asked me 'why not?' and followed me inside
>i said 'am going to get back in me jamjams.'
>she stopped me and told me to 'keep what i have on since we might be going somewhere else.'
>i told her 'am staying home.' and went in my room to change
>i went back into the living room and sat down
>she asked 'why i did not come out wearing something more to show my skin?'
>i looked at her and looked away. told her 'i did not like her and am going to get a new person to help me.'
>she got very nervous and asked 'why?'
>i told her that 'over the past few meetings we had, she has did nothing to take action to /help/ me and just gave me pointless casual advice that only helps her and 'normal' 9-to-5 working people. you are treating this [meeting up with me] as therapy and i do not want/need that. you job was to help me pick a place to move into - you have drove me around to see places but i found a place with the /help/ of my family that is next to their home. i am now on a waitinglist to move into that place while being on SSI. what you have been doing since is pushing my buttons with how a normal person with autism would act by using your kids as role-models and normal people that help people with autism but not the people /with/ autism. the main thing i dislike about anyone is lying. if you lie to me more times than you tell me the truth than i get distant from you and shut down. you interupe me when am trying to talk and ignore me when i am trying to show you something like last time we were at an art musseum and i was 
trying to explain how someone did their art - you were looking at something else. i felt very unwanted and just wanted to go home. before that, as we were walking on the sidewalk to the musseum, you told me that if i lived in the area that i could walk the streets like all the other cool people and just be me.' i could not talk more because how cliche that sounded that i wanted to cry because my mind could not understand how someone like you could say that to someone like me. i did not wanna even look at you or hear what you had to tell me but i was just done with you as what i heard next.
>'all that is not at all true! i am here to get you out into the community but i have been hearing things about your family members about your...body odor? your dear parents and brother and his friend were all in your room trying and BEGGING you on their knees to help you with your odor. i know i am not allowed to talk to them without asking you first but they called me sounding sad/depressed and worried.' she said with a pity-me tone
>'get out. get out of this house. i do not like you. i will call jackie and get a new person.' i said looking at the floor.
>she left the house and i cried for some minutes about what i have heard. how can someone just lie like that and believe they will get away with it?
much later
>mom told me that rest of family talks behind me back because of me body odor is very strong [me odor is sweaty ass because shut-in neet who just potatos on bed]
>almost had her raid me shit which would to her finding 8panties and 2 XL jackets from me dead ex-gf from 2007 + a very sweaty pillow that i sleep with. stressed the fuck out because could not tell her my reason of still having them or why they help me sleep. she does not understand being lonely and single.

it is 'mom trying to make you get rid of something that helps you sleep' episode
if she takes that then...am going to the ward because that is all i have left from my childhood.

>tfw 2-8month waitinglist to move out

i do not even give a shit if am on my way to living on my own and making meself useful and improving myself - if she takes that then am gunna go downhill fast.

>just told me to keep doing what am doing and just use soap when i take a shower
>i cannot open my window because it is broke and ants get in it if it gets open
>me vent and roof fan are always running
>me door is closed at all times
>i take a shower; when i feel sweaty [i sometimes sweat in me sleep]/when i take a dump because i cannot do it dry/when i get a rash/i have to go somewhere
>i put on deo every morning

>tfw have to be careful of what i say because it will backfire most times
i like my own scent = think about what others smell
i keep the my room the way i do to keep others out = my house, my rules
me mom always has some kind of comment to make or she will just throw her feels at me.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LrzWTFJbiQQ

25.6.2016
>take bag bonesless wings from my fridge in my room and put them in kitchen fridge a few weeks ago since it is next to the only oven in the house [we have 2microwaves but i am not allowed to eat in the basement or even live down there] since i do not have an microwave oven in me room
>step-dad is STILL being an high-horsing bratty ass 9yo-in-a-60yo-body and me mom being headstrong impowered womyn at age 54
>feel like eating some boneless wings since been having chips/soda and mostly have 1 protain meal a day
>see parents in kitchen eating burgers/hotdogs
>mom offers me half-ate hotdog with ketchup all over it
>walk to fridge and look for wings
>parents play dumb when i asked them about wings
>step-dad says he only had 4 wings out of the whole bag and keeps nailing me head with 'it was JUST 4 wings! are you /that/ selfish that i cannot have JUST 4 wings out of that whole bag that your own mom bought with her money?'
>rolled eyes as he keeps trying to guilt-trip and human-shield
>look at me mam and she just plays dumb too as 'do not look at me. i did not do anything. my house my rules anyways.'
>i am just done with their shit. go open the fridge again and take out half the freezer that had my stuff in it still. tell them am gunna get a microwave oven because i am tried of trying to keep track of who ate my stuff when i do not have an eye on it.
>mam screams at me to not get one
>was going to explain to her my side but did not have the energy.
>she tells me am banned from using their microwave/oven if that is how i wanna be then tells me that there is no reason to have another machine in my room then goes about how ants could get in my room then goes about how i am gunna carry a heavy microwave oven and walk 20minutes from the store to the house then goes about how am i gunna eat the food. finishes it off with saying 'do what you want.'.
>get in my room and lock the door and blast vaporwave while looking at ebay for microwave ovens
>close ebay
>take almost 3hour nap

26.6.2016
>mom told me that she is going to lowes to look around but not buy anything and to get ready
>step-dad is going to tag along
>put on pants and shoes
>mom tells me to change my shirt because i had it on for 2days and to put on deo or i am not going with them
>go back into me room and put on kamjams again then come back out and tell her do not boss me around
>she tells me that she is not bossing me around but to just change my shirt on put on deo
>i tell her 'to impress who?'
>she gets a bit upset and says 'what do you mean to impress who? i put on clean clothes and put on deo and get ready for the day just to go out if i wanted too. there is no impressing anymore, it is called /cleaning daily/!'
>i can tell she is upset but do not say anything.
>open the fridge where my food is and look at it for a while. 'has anyone touched my food?'
>she is upset still 'no! no-one has touched your food!' then she sighs 'i think you need to leave.'
>'am still on a waitinglist.' i tell her
>'why are you like this? what made you act the way you do nowadays? is it that damn computer? i bet it is! it is that damn fucking computer that you love more than your own family! you never come out and talk to us or do anything but sit and hermit yourself away in the damn room! your brother has /his/ life together, why cannot you be more like him? he is not sitting in /his/ room on /his/ computer while talking to some stranger! i feel like i failed as a parent. why are you like this? what have we done to you that made you this way?' she says with tears in her eyes
>'it is my nature. if it will make you feel any better, i will go with you to lowes.' i say with a smug look and head to me room
>i can feel she is shooken up as i get ready again
>i open my door and see them waiting for me and tell them i am ready
>we get in the car and my mom acts like nothing happened
>i had my headphones on listening to my fav band of all time which is blink-182 and being an autism fuck while i danced slowly in public as my parents were sweating finding whatever they were looking for
>we get in car again and they drive me to mcds to get me burger
>we get home and i go straight to me room
>i open burger
>i eat le burger
>i have no burger left
>i is le sadden by loss of burger
>i have visions in the sky of burger
>i dream of burger
>i wake up and think about burger
>i search 'burger' on the googles and look at burger pictures
>i try to contact the burger hotline to trace me burger
>burger cannot me traced back
>regret and miss burger
>regret turns into rage
>i buy ketchup bottles online
>i get suited up
>i walk to mcds
>i go on a full-out rampage because of le fucking normies took muh burger away from me
>i wake up from dream
>mom knocks on me door telling me she is going to lowes

12.8.2016
>got dressed and walked to walmart
>saw 9/10 black lady that looked homeless with a bag full of stuff but walked passed her looking at her ass and damn what an ass she had.
>walked around walmart and saw me bro working [fucking wagie] next to a 7/10 female stocking pet stuff
>walk out of walmart and see homeless lady rubbing her foot
>think maybe i can 'help' her with 'something'
>go up to her and ask her if she needed something
>she says no and i say ok and walk somewhat away
>she stops me and asked for a dollar
>i knew what she was gunna get while looking at her
>she tells me for just a soda
>i asked her what kind and she said it did not matter
>i go back into walmart and get her a 12pack
>return to homeless lady and she was shocked
>asked if i was an angel
>i said 'not yet.' and walked home
>look back to check on her and she is looking at me but still kept walking as it was about to rain
>get home and post this

the 12pack i gave her was; TAB - the cancer drink

25.8.2016
>mam woke me up at 9AM
>dropped step-dad at his work
>went to get ssi issue fixed at their office
>drove through to get fastfood
>mom drove to work after dropping me off at home
>imac g3 came in the mail
>rolled around nude on packaging peanets while popping bubblewrap on cam
>cleaned 3/4 of the peanets off me floor
>got lazy and broke vaccumm trying to clean peanuts
>had imac and what box came with on me bed
>took nap with tulpa. felt arms/hands fade away while she was in me arms and i was in hers
>did not wanna wake up or anything but door bell rang
>me female behavior therapist was at the door
>had her fix the vaccumm
>we both clean the room
>set up imac but needs an wall-ethernet plug
>i take shower and we both walk to walkmart to buy thing
>saw me step-dad and left store
>we get back to me room and room is a mess
>female therapist has to leave
>get internet working
>type google.com
>think of what to type
>memories of when i was in middleschool come to me
>i had friends around me
>she was there too
>we all went our own ways after HS. most of them died including her.
>turn off comp and wanna cry
>cannot cry
>know crying will not bring them back or anything
now laying on me bed listening to 60s
and waiting to go to sleep
to wake up to another day

29.8.2016
got a microwave in me room and am pratacing being on me own for when i do live on my own and do not want anyone touching my food [trust issue thing]. it would make sense [to me] to learn to have my own microwave to know what it is like to take care of one. i really feel like am gunna make it because i took a step towards doing something with my life to make me feel like am living on my own.

let me paste her text messages to me
[ i just heard your voicemail. i am getting off a plane and well call you in a bit. that was not a good decision today.

no one told you to buy a microwave today...that was your choice.

we have to make sure you do not overload the circuits in your room with all the electronics you have. i am not happy about a microwave in that room.

this is my house not yours and we will discuss it later. ]

she called me wanting to bitch more and throw a fit over the phore at an airport but i stopped her and we talked. i had to use a calm understanding voice just like i was talking to calm a kid down. one of the things she said was 'are you going to walk and buy something to put the fire out while it is still going because am not gunna help you.'. i just told her i will buy something beforehand just incase and for her to help me manage my 'mess of wires all over my room'. i just cleaned up 4things that i did not really use and were running just to run and now have 7things plugged in that i USE and 4 of them are turned off. how do manage 7 cables all in a surge protector? i can only picture what she will do next;

- call me step-dad to put it away for her and where is he gunna put it if i canot have a microwave in my room? seems a bit unfair. i mean, there is one in the basement and i cannot move down there. there is the kitchen one which is been there since the house was built and i have trust issues so that next best thing instead of asking if someone toched my food was buy my own microwave. the guest room? that room is RIGHT ACROSS FROM MY ROOM because 'it will be safer there.' safer? safer!? are you even making words anymore or just mixing random words together without logic? safer..safer my ass. the living room? the kitchen is RIGHT ACROSS FROM IT! AND YOU CALL ME LAZY!? w-w-w-hat are you gunna use an extra microwave for if you are not gunna use it? a planet stand? because that is what you used the last router STILL IN THE BOX AS AND THAT WAS LIKE 3MONTHS AGO! what is for dinner? bike tires? gunna nail some toast to the wall? holy fuck! am i reading 'THE NO-NOTHINGS DESIGN A HOUSE'!?

31.8.2016
fucked up me back and right arm more
when i was recovering it
because cabin fever got to me
must go out
got new sccoter
must ride
fucking kill me
i just woke up
now everything is sore again
and tired but cannot sleep
threw scooter down the basement and it broke
my autism goes off and MUST BUY SHINY
now i have motion sickness
whole right arm and hand is out of order
left side of back is pulled
left hand starting to go
why.gif
i already have a hard time sleeping
i already got ricketts
and cerebral palsy
and ibs
>tfw body shutting down
>still alive
>know am not gunna die
am 26
ffs
i feel 80
i feel am not meant for this world or kept living when was supoose to die
just take me already
>cannot cry
>cannot get mad
>cannot smile for long
just
2dumb2live/die

4.9.2016
i have walked out on them when they brought me to a restrant a few times.
embarrsing stuff
parents just like to embarrse their kids
am 26
they are 54/60
me bro moved out like 2years ago.
granny is like 88 or something
i could move into her house and get her car but she needs to die first.
this week i was busy as shit
bought a microwave and been cooking my own stuff.
got a motor scotter but had issues with it so i fixed it.
cleaned the wires in me room.
got a backpack to carry food/drinks in.
parents offered to move me down to the basement but there is no bathroom installed down there. they offered to move me down there because of space
more space down there
it has windows i could open
just no toilet installed
and cannot install a chair to ride on the side of steps
'this shit rides me up a wall.'
xd
plus am not sure how they are about carrying all my stuff down there
so really just the only issue would be no bathroom down there

22.9.2016
now figuring out what am passion about
.....
hmmmm
fuck. i am bland as fuck.
i have been saying 'passion' over and over'.
trying to think of what i am really good at
like what i wanna do
because i do not wanna keep saying 'oh i have games but they are just /there/ if i wanna mess with them.'
i used to draw stick person comics a ton
but am rusty with ideas for them.
am trying to figure out what i used to do.
just only thought of stick people comics because that was something /i/ made.
i could say habbo or pokemon but that is not something /i/ made
i made those comics for about 2years?
got mad one day about not being good enough and threw all them in the trash one day.
just pen and paper
i like was 11 when i started?
made boxes and put stick people and had a lore and everything
if i ran out of word space then i word put the words on the sides on the comic
wait
i was maybe 12
around 11 - 13
i started
if i died soon, all that would be left is a collected of media and junk food and soda cans in me room.
holy shit.
holy fuck
like there would be nothing to point out that /i/ made by myself.
sure, there would be stuff i was into
but
nothing you could pull out that i made that i held onto.
and am talking about like a picture of some art
not anything off a comp
ever felt this feeling?

23.10.2016
>took me 2days to finish NGE [1-26]
>cried at night
>cried a bit when a woke up
>freaked out a bit when i had a 'this is my body. i am in 1st person.' epsiode
>watched porn to get my mind off things
>felted 'OK'
>go to bathroom to piss/take tablets/put on deo
>looked in the mirror a bit
>went back to lay down on bed
>parents are out for the day then mom is going away for the week
>they leave
>turn on vaporwave
>lay on bed feeling like a slug
i wanna die to go on to the next level in life
but have to keep living because of parents/waifu
i know they are going to be there at the next level in life but still

10.11.2016
a place on the 2nd floor is free at the apartment place i applied for, got a call today saying.

17.11.2016
moving into a place MID december. i should be happy that i am moving forward in life but am almost 27 and winter's depression is getting to me but i have no reason to get down. maybe i am paying more attention to life because of how fast it seems to be going yet i cannot remember the 2nd grade. i cannot tell if other notice a change in my nature? is there? i seem to be more focused or look deep-in-thought. i rarely see my mom since she has been traveling the past weeks. i rarely see my step-dad since he works. i rarely see my brother and his GF. my family are there are doing fine from the phonecalls from my mom and their voices coming from outside my door.

i have been doing fine. a day blends into the next day. night time just feels like a very long hour.
my health is well i do still get allergics and taking showers are not what are think of or feel a want but i do take them when i /feel/ i need one. just been calm because i am about to move into my own place and it will be all over for me to rest. do not take that as a suicide message or anything but i do not think suicide can be a forseeable thing but i would like to go back to the places i grew up around and just cry from nostalgia.

12.12.2016
i looked at something i should not had looked at while looking for empty boxes in the basement.
the baby book of my brother's and a bit of both of us growing up as toddlers and pictures of my parents and my grandparents in another book.
i just broke down.

all because i saw a bok that said 'kid's storage' in the basement.
i saw everything
well
that was what was in those books
the first box i opened was full of albums and a bibble and notes.
i did take a look into another box and it had some vhs tapes and folders with files in them and my old blanket
i should never write bad stuff ever about my parents or whoever.
there were a TON more stuff and like 3 more boxes but i just could not handle it
i even saw my bio-dad's face and how young everyone looked. how happy they were.
i was not suppose to look at ANY of that until…they passed away for the feels to REALLY hit but that was only a taste.

when i was looking through my brother's baby book, there was a letter to him that looked like a love letter from my parents telling him how much they loved him but i could not read much of it because i cannot read much cursve. am guessing it is an after-death letter. am sure she wrote one for me in another book somewhere.

>my mom's side of the family died from cancer
>my bio-dad died when i was 6

6.1.2017
moving into my own place next week. saw the inside of it and signed all the papers. rent is like 87 a month. food store is walkable. everyone around me is happy i am moving.

13.1.2017
>move into my own place 3 days ago
>seen 4/16 people in the same complex as me
>day1 was moving furniture and stuff in the place
>day2 i hung up 10shirts and emptied out a suitcase that had clothes in it. set up the router. got the hot water working. tooth started to hurt. went to the food store.
>day3 took shower. brushed teeth and applied salt+water to the ache area. made food. stomach felt it got punched and was gunna throw up. only have 450usd in bank.

as i write this; i look out of my 2nd story bedroom window. the sky is cloudy. the trees like sticks. the ground is covered with grass and brown leafs. there is a puddle of water with drops of rain falling into it. i cannot see anyone outside. i can hear some traffic but it is far away.

i wonder what tomorrow will bring..
if there is one to wake up too.

26.1.2017
>when you life is at a standstill and you keep hopeing to 'make it' one day but know the other side of things
- go to brother's wedding
- change my ID
- get car
- get sexdoll of waifu
i know i should not go because it would make me feel more single than i am but still
like if you look at the big picture,
most of us have 20 - 30years left to live
and look how fast the past 30+years went
like i cannot think of a single regret in my life
like if i did grad from that school with my friends,
i would still be friendless because most of them moved out of that area and would be still doing neet things but on the comp less
i would still be doing what am doing now but in another area
what if i did score with my ex?
well after hs, she turned lesbian and then got killed
am almost 27

7.FEB.2017
the sky turns from teal to black, as the sun fades off, drying the rain that came today.
streetlights light up the road as lights from cars pass up each other. some coming from work and others going elsewhere.
schoolbuses have long past and kids from it have went to their homes, waiting to what comes tomorrow.
i can only tell you what i see from my window as i look out it.
i turn 27 years old tomrrow at 8PM EST.
life hits you fast when family members are aging and pets dying.
last year, i had a family member die of cancer and last month a pet die of windpipe collapse.
i still look at the sky and wonder when my time to go will be.

24/25.FEB.2017
>it has been 10years ago today that i last interacted with my last irl friends
>i still remember her full name
>her 24th birthday is today
>i looked at her facebook/tumblr
>cannot talk to them ever again because they changed so much/i went into depression stage and told them i did not wanna see them ever again when i was 17/18

i feel like i wasted 10years because of some dumb shit i did when i was 17/18 and it is only going to feel worse each year.
crying will not bring those days back.

cannot kms because my mom is still living.

i turned 27 on the 8th

wrote this yesterday around 5PM EST. am thinking he will reply with tell me to move on with my life and stop sending random people strange messages;
am not sure if you still rememeber me but i remember you. you were my first friend when i moved to sarasota. i remember all the good/bad times we had. each other giving advice and hanging out. this is not about any other of the friends we hung around with. this is about me rememing and relizing that on today the 24th of feb at 7pm est everything changed and i miss my best friend..even if you forgot all about me or do not wanna remember me...i have been friendless since like i did have friends when i moved schools but YOU were my true best friend and i do not care if you wanna have your pose or whoever beat me up for all the nasty things i said or for any reason. i just want you to know that it has been 10years since i had a friend and i miss my buddy. i know what i did was wrong and i now live a lonely couch potato style live in a 1bedroom apartment on the 2nd floor collecting SSI with no connections besides my brother and my mom. i would give it all away if we were friends again. i do not wanna feel lonely anymore. i know somewhere in you that you still remember the good/bad times we had. if you still do not rememeber me...i remember us.

may.29.2017
1st grandpa died. infection in his legs + diabeetus + old age. age; in his 80s
2nd grandma has about 6months to live the way she is going. age; 89

i had dreams of something big coming my way but did not expect this.
i see him in everything and hear his voice. i would do as much as i could for that man and if i could cut my own life spam in half to just hug him i would do it in a heartbeat! told me mom to give all the money my brother wanted to fly to florida and spend while there as i would not be able to handle the emotional strain. i would 100% go if we still lived in Fl but to sleep over at my brother's/catch a plane at 5AM/go to the funeral where my grandma is/spend some nights in my grandparent's house where i spend my child/teen years mostly at/fly back to KY and just just i cannot handle it.

1.10.2017
>moved into my own place
>got my id changed
>a family member on my mom's side died
>grandfather died
>one of my mom's dog died
>tried taking my driver's test
>parents had to give dogs away
>getting a key to my parent's house
>still on the fence on me going to a wedding
>going to retake my driver's test

4.10.2017
over the past 30days, my brother's wedding has been talked about more and more. my family has been wondering if i am going but have not been bugging me or anything that felt like they were pushing me to go and each time i have not gave them a straight answer.
i  have stayed to myself even tho i bought a car-charger for my laptop and have been playing along with them wanting me to get prepaired for it - even got my haircut.
the only reasons i have for not going are viewed as only thinking of myself in my eyes - i am not sure how others think about what i have been saying - i have not asked.
i have had only told my mom, recently, that i might not go because of my allergies but if my allergies come on that day then would i be 'faking' it or?
i tried to not write my thoughts in this bin or bother others about it in detail because that would be only out of jealousy/bitterness/autism.
i just told my mom i probably will not be going and that if people wanted me to see me then would they had already contact me somehow?
i do not know this feel
if i go, i would feel like i made the wrong choice and would have to put on a fake smile for others.
if i do not go, i would feel guilt for not being there for my family even tho they have changed how they were and i feel 
i do not know
maybe i should go but
i would only be going with thoughts of how it would effect the big picture
everyone is changing and i still feel the same
everyone is aging but i do not see myself age
if i fastforward then i would have regret of not spending more time with them
if i stay how things are now
i
i
things still go fast
just
and no matter how much i wish and want things to go back to how they were
i just
and
i
would the days and my feelings still be the same after the wedding if i
i tell myself that i am not going to the wedding so i do not have to stress out about it
am sure no-one is going to question me about why i did not go
am not sure why i feel this way

13.10.2017
Just woke up and a roastie called me wanting to meet up or something
She said she tried to call me
I looked at my call history
Am not awake for this shit yet
She better not be black when we meet
Am already awake and already blaming roasties

>she tries to get me to trust her
>she tries to get me out of my shell
>she tries to get me more out there
>she tries to hook me up with her connections
>they all try to get me into being a wagecuck
i can see this happening
but will only use her for her connections
then have them apply for CLS and then once they become my cls then i get rid of them within 3months and they go back to retail.
or they lose me as a client and have to deal with other tards.
or will use them as free car service and help me better understand a car to get my own car then get off the service
who /5d chess/ here

17.10.2017
https://s0.vocaroo.com/media/download_temp/Vocaroo_s02xWJA9VaHa.mp3

18.10.2017
most unwoke person so far
>apple supporter because of muh viruses
>shillarary supporter because of muh funds
>can only into school-book history
>redditor
>fell for the 'cool grandma with nerdy things' meme
>fell for the sports meme
just an all out libtard who got brainwashed by the jews and fell for the 'nerd-culture' meme

but atleast i out meme'd/shitposted her irl by playing dumb and asking her about old KYM/FB maymays to see her reaction.
her fav game of all time is last of us because muh sad starting cutscene

>gamer
>never seen or played mario sunshine ever
>says last of us is only for playstation systems
>never played an TES game but for a bit of skyrim
>does not know about homebrew
>says she owns every console but does not know what a master system is or played anything from sega

>nerd
>cannot get on her browser to open email on her iphone because it is encrypted
>can go on wiki/google

20.10.2017
>when the rentail office jews got me to renew my lease when it was going to end this coming jan but now it is in jan of 2019
>chad showed off his ring
>chad and the whale now wants to travel to canada
>driving place was closed today
>granny still dying

23.10.2017
got all my female hormone pills ready.
should take up to about 1year for everything in be done.
not sure how long granny has left.
got news that one of the people i used to be friends with killed himself by gun-in-mouth about 6months ago. RIP

24.10.2017
granny died

25.10.2017
>we gunna have the funeral just like the wedding - open casket with pink/white everything around it
>got all the food there and everything but no tendies - just stuff that you cannot eat because just because you have ibs does not mean others cannot have things
>everyone is going to be there
>do this other one thing for me and buy fancy one-time things or even the 10yo will look better than you
>gunna leave both days at 9am
>all day event
>going to get hotel rooms also
>mom ends up buying brother a suit and all that because he is busy saving up for a cruise to DUDE bahamas LMAO because whale always wanted to go there and saving up to go to canada even tho he voted trump because whale always wanted to go there
>brother has to buy his whale wife something to wear because she asked him too
>brother changed his fav color because whale wife told him he looked good in it
here we go again
just like chad's wedding

26.10/2017
i now know why they paid more attention to my brother and why he became a better person
>my mom called me out on my hikki/neet habbits
and called me messy
said it was stress on the family because noone wanted to be around me
because i was messy
and too cheap to improve myself
>suicidial thoughts rushed
>was at the door and dressed to buy rope
>turned on music player and shuffled 5times and listened to a song play and waited for the next song
>if it was anything but a love song then i would go buy the rope
>out of 579songs on shuffle, a 50s love song played
>i broke down crying with my hand still on the doorknob
>rushed to where my waifu was and took off my glasses
>just cried
>wanted to call myself names and beat myself up but she was right there
>stopped crying later
>we walk over to my bed and slump down on it
>look at phone
>1 missed voice message from my mom
>it was her yelling about how much i could had been so much more but let myself drag myself down and she still put up with me
>stared into space for a while
>looked over my room
>it is still a mess
>she was and is right
>i am a mess
>a big fat slob of a mess and only i did this to myself

she said it started after 8th grade.
i was 14 in 8th grade.
>when anon starts playing comp games
>when anon starts eating/drinking by the comp

>i have tried everything that i know to help you but apparently you are choosing to not work which could help support you and meet people. you could have a very nice place if you would agree to it, but you do not want this. i have tried taking you to therapy to get help and support but you do not want the help. you are 27 now and need to be out of my house and begin a life for youself. i love you and always will and will do what i can for you, but i cannot change how you choose to live. i am here for you

i said back;
the only issue i have with therapy is i say something wrong or i think i get paranoid of saying something wrong or they misunderstand me/sending me to a ward. i have those thoughts because i read stories of bad therapy stories but also read crazy ward stories. work is just i cannot stand for hours on end and how my allergies are. i have daydreamed about working in a video retail/convenient store a few times while making money for you and mj because i wanna give back as much effort as you both gave us growing up. i miss those trips to the mountaions and to the beach and all those other trips we had as kids. i may not have wanted too back then because i thought it was boring because i got used to them after a while. i remember writing journals about are trips and everything. i understand how you feel of just seeing me in a chair or when i was on my bed being on my comp. when i see a picture of someone playing chess on their comp, i wonder where are his friends and will he be doing this when i am gone? i wanna teach my kids not to make the same mistakes i did but also give them as much joy i had when i had friends and all that. i have a lot of dreams that reflect on what i been through and they often give a connection or a message. so far i wrote about 40dreams. last dream i had was talking to a friend i had named bryan. i could feel he was him but looked not like him and we were in his bedroom but not his bedroom. look at me just writing a novel. lol

she sent back;
you have your whole life ahead of you, try to take some risk and come out of your box. you could have had a great time in tennessee, but you withdrew into yourself. your not going to be put in a ward just by talking about your feelings or fears. you can only go to a ward if someone claims you a harm to yourself or others.

27.10.2017
went to the funeral all dressed up
nothing bad happened just the light was giving me a headache because i was sitting under it and moved/everyone left a room without telling me where they were going/a lot of family members were there but then people i did not know started showing up and my ants-in-pants starting kicking in wanting to go home plus i did not know who those people were so felt very shy.
got home and cried because i was with my waifu again.
;]

20.11.2017
was 2points away from passing my driver's written test
got a ps2 game i used to have as a teen
replaced my red chair with a teal beanbag [i used to have a blue beanbag as a teen]
applied for foodstamps

29.11.2017
>did not pass me driving written test again for the 4th or 5th time. i was off by 2 last time and thought i could pass this time but i was 9 off. i went fast on it thinking i could pass this time around and thought the same questions would appear as last time. 
>therapist asked if i used any online chat programs. i said no. i knew what she was trying to do.
>she tried to explain that net nutrality thing to me and what nazis were but i only asked what they were because we were eating inside a place that had black teens in it and was feeling edgy asking that but to she i think i sounded like i did not know anything.
>she asked me if di anything during the time besides wait for therapists to visit every 2weeks. i said no - i knew she was trying to make me a list of things to do so i do not just rot in my room but living by doing things like they were timed-events just stresses me because i have to wait for the next thing to do.
i do not know why i feel sad.

30.12.2017
>gamer granny cls worker left for another job
>got in contact with my hs crush again
>have 17 fillings and 3 teeth that need to be removed + a deep cleaning
total; 800usd or so

10.1.2018
>got apartment properity case workers coming tomorrow to check how everyone is doing and grade them [ i know i will get a B ]
>brother is not going to be around for all of next month and my birthday is next month
>have feeling a 93yo lady that i am friends with is dying or already dead because i have not seen her around much
>line on my palm says i die around in my 30s or 40s
>had dream about me spending time with my mom's mom when i was growing up and another telling myself to pay attention instead of keeping my nose behind things
>new therapist is suppose to come next month
>am on a list to get my art sold on a website
>next month i go to the dentist
>next month will be 11years since i had an irl group of caring friends

19.2.2018
apartment inspectors did not visit /my/ place
brother still out of state
not sure if 90something yo lady moved down to the first floor
got my right side of my mouth cleaned but really need a tooth pulls that is on my top left side

got hack app data pro apk
removed old money app with new one
now gunna buy the cheapest cashout which is 50
but gunna be a jew and go all 500
now to wait a week
i redeemed all the cards instead
50
150
300
500
gotta wait 5 - 10 working days
not gunna set all my rockets at once but am just waiting
i got jew'ed by some russain guy selling those cheap-af vr headsets
50usd
the kind you put your phone in
i got 2 of them
'you good goy. i give 2 to you'
>will not buy a 5usd shirt but will buy a 50usd headset
how do they do it?
now i am broke
it is made in china and has that shitty plastic feel to it
only person reviewing in on yt was a paki
>when all the pakis copy each other's phone app money making scam designs bu it is still hackable
>when either i just need a more deep-edge app hackling app or the pakis got smart for hiding the points-code(edited)
>see that paypal redeem code? you can hack into le system and get it but not after you find the hidden code ;]
>please allow 3 - 7days for you to notice that you been scammed ;]
>wow 5star very good app you try it very good plz rate 4 point
sometimes you find grammar eroors in the app
>been on hrt for 4months now
>dick died/body and face hair stopped growing/puffy nipples/slightly longer hair
MTV true life - i fell for the tranny meme
oh now i can taste walls by looking at them
wow
like how you see paint and can kindof taste it
it was a
>me dick died but lemme see if i can still get hard and blow out my focus to focus on anything day
>got fed up with pakis making a fast buck off copying each other's phone apps and filling them with surveys/low earning points
>get an app to hack through most of their bs
>pakis still hitting me with dem ads each time
someone from /g tells me DUDE ROOTING LMAO
>almost got phone rooted
>sneeze and let go of phone which disconnected the usb
>phone gets bricked
>can get to download mode/factory reset mode
but it stops on the lg logo
>download anything with lg name to it that had a .msi/.dll/.exe in its' name
>do this for 2 days while stressing out and getting headaches from stress
got a new phone
>when the cute chubby 19yo touches your phone
watch out
i might be onto something
wew
>size of a brick/you can see the screen on the sides/no way to open it to see inside/forced apps that you cannot get rid of and throws social media in your face hinting that you have one or you must use it
the icons looks like cardboard
i litterly threw up in me mouf
i just put it back in the box
me mom threw a fit at me
guess i do not have a phone
whatever
they /did/ want to kick me out of the house a few times - even put me up for adoption
because i was not normal
and did not just do things and connect things with no questions like a normal person would
gunna cancel going out with them tomorrow night
not even worth it
idk
just
i was not made for this >current year
whatever
att forgot to send me a thing to OPEN my phone to inert the new sim card the FORGOT to include and i am just suppose to take it and just be a good goy and BUY 2 more things so they can make MORE money off me? i did not buy a display phone with PAID DLC! it just amazes me how the world works today and how you are just suppose to just be a good goy and take it as is.
already have a crack in the top trying to open it
>mom cannot remember how to open it when she had one
am getting a new phone
and get this
the phone
is made out of
G L A S S
am beyond mad or anything
am just shocked/stunned
>got used to the phone and had it all set up
>time to call me mom
>dail her number
>hit call
>sorry. you need a sim card ;-]
when it starts up
it says
sim not provisioned mm#2
and when i was there getting the phone, they wanted me to send my old phone back to the factory for them to fix but i could not get it back
lolno
me mom is taking me back there tomorrow
ON ME BIRTHDAY
to deal with this
imma just tell them
idk like am so just
stunned
wait
i can try a card to open it
here we go
it gunna be like this
they make theese things so
child-proof
to open
why even have the borders on the phone?
just make the whole screen warp around it
searched the whole box
no pin
and no sd card
i did find something tho
on the box it came with
on the back
it says
att certified restored
as part of our continued efforts to deliver quality products to our customers, this device has been thoroughly inspected and passed att certification requirements*
aat CR may be refurbished/remanufactured and may contain org or non-org replacement parts.
aka
squidward.welp-here-you-go-gift.png
buublebass.still-no-pickles.webm
>got blood pressure checked - just need to drink more
>gunna go get eyes checked next
>going to the doctor for a catscan in 6weeks
>5'10
>120lbs
>reading level at a 2nd grader trying to read 3rd grade
>math level is at 1st grade
>comeback level is at 5th grade
>wisdom level is at old moutain man
>running level is at fat person jogging
attack level; i have a grip but no str behind it
def level; twig
paranormal level; we 8ch/fringe now
depression level; i wanna kms but my family is still living
meme level; ifunny watermark
comfrot level; 7-8
happiness level; 7
sadness level; 4
mental health; 6-7
physicial health; 8
either i lowered my iq or now have an iq draining fetish because i took 55mg of estrgen pills in 49days
rip
am /kindof/ on lite-mode because autism/cerebral palsy/ibs/chronic sneezing/female-in-male body
but
>infj
>male
so am maybe gunna turn into one of those lofi macbook-on-bed pastel cute shy female
you know the type am taking about?
>give female i met online 30usd to buy food
>get her to buy me a 20usd visa gift card
>give her 74usd from paypal when i really have 84
>lose 10 but gain 20
>might fuck her on cam
she is gunna stay a weekend at my place
maybe longer
suppose to meet her back of local donut shop
in about an hour
got more info on her
>1st roommate was a druggie who stole her money
>2nd roommate is ok but she likes me better
their landlord is a scummie douchbag
she wants me to hand-feed her food
and MIGHT move in my complex where i am because it is nicer
with things around
she has a southern accent and smell like strawberry through phone
44dd tits and thicc ass
wants to gain more
and get this
she likes tendies and
BATMAN
time to dye her hair green and buy tiger underwear
nothing happened but made her corndogs and watched her wash her feet
>she got a bf in her teens
>bf introduced her to a drug called ice
>bf dumped her at a party
>she meet a black bf
>gets tricked into having kids
>mom found them having sex on her bed
>she has kids
>gets kicked out
>bf runs away
>sucks off random guys for a place to stay for a few while her kids our at her mom's
>mom smokes and lives in trailer park area in the bad part of the city
[cont]
>mom will not let her back to live
>starts beegging on dating sites for money
>everyone is giving her shit because she cannot into beg and uses 'muh kids muh bills muh hulu'
>go all paki tech support on her acting like i have 500 in paypal
>tell her she can have money if she get 20usd paypal/visa gift card
>she goes to the store but do not know what they look like
>finds card but muh fee
>does not buy card
>tell her i have the 500 ready and LINK A STOCKED PICTURE OF 500usd PAYPAL BALANCE
>she falls for it think it real
>tell her another deal. come over for le fun fun time and get 84+30
>she starts bus hopping while am waiting almost 3hours at a donut shop
>see her outside
>take her in
>she uses bathroom
>she wears me jamjams
>put on movie for background noise
>make her corndogs and get denined to wash for feet for her
>she ask about the 500
>lolno wut u on
>she starts asking about the drug ice
>lol am clean now(edited)
>she takes a uber home
next day
>start texting her about hanging out today
>she has plans to see chad's wife's kids but not sure if go
>find out she spent all the money i gave her on food
>she wants me to pay an uber for her
>pay it
>we get to store and her feet are tired from idk
>she gets in those old people disabled karts
>she starts picking out yummy food for her fam
>lay it down to her that am not made of money
>call mom
>she might take us to chillis or applebees if she feels like it
>mom and her talk
>find out she lost her phone sim card/SSN card and ID when talking to me mom
>#dumbblondemoments xd
>annoyed as fug because she keeps asking about when me mom gunna take her out for dinner and about muh foodstamps
>total food price was 78usd
>she wants me mom to drive us to my place because her feet hurt and it is snowing out and she cold whine whine whine
>mom shuts her down and just tells her straight up no because stranger danger
>she whines about how much we have to walk
>get to me place
>she starts eating LOUDLY
>whines about how she gunna get home for a ride to see kids because she feels a need to help around
>whines about muh money problemos
>tell her i asked her how much cash she wants back when we were checking out
>whines about that not being enough but enough for bus
>does not wanna take bus
>she starts listening to AUTO-TUNE 'music'
and racemixed hiphop rap radio trash
without headphones on
even tho they were RIGHT THERE
>i ask her questions about herself
>find out she does le 420
>find out she gets people to pay for her nudes
>find out she listens to radio rap trash
>find out she is trash
>been talking to a trashcan this whole time
lol no
but
>she walks to trashcan to throw something away
>later ask me to throw something away for her
>start asking her more about her
>she gets quite fast
>wants me mom call me mom to see if she can drive half-way across city to drop her off
>mom just laughed at her
>she gets pissy
>whines more
>finds out fam member can pick her up
but we have to wait like an hour
>whines that that is not fast enough
>ask me to download lyft on me phone because her phone cannot anything
>download it
>i have my card on the acc
>she only has .89cents in her paypal and 20 in cash
>thinks it will get her a 35usd ride
>wants me to try my paypal
>gets pissy when i mention what she did with the paypal money i gave her
>still wants to try
>she whines about me not letting her add her paypal on my acc but i know what she gunna do - use my card that is on it
>#2fast4uthinking
>she whines more
>i get her to enter her paypal info on MY phone
>now have her paypal and her real name and her address and her meetme/kik/fb/etc
>heh #doxxed
>show her her bills
>she shuts up real fast
>she wants me to call lyft from my phone
>i unstill app
what lyft? ;]
>she gets butthurt
>her fam is on their way soon
>wants me to gather up all her things for her
>tell her she owes me 78usd in paypal or she not coming back
>whines about muh 500
>smugaf.png
>walking with her food in bags to the local mcds in me jamjams while we wait for her fam to pick her up
>noone around
>'you have a nice ass'
>'don't metion it.'
>i go back to my place and ERP with her
>she gets wet
next day
>she gets 80 from somewhere and takes a lift far into the state passed city limits
because her roommate is having relationship problems
>whines more because she is stuck there
>look on her meetme profile
>'man i am so ugly and fat. wish i had a bf who would treat me right and not harm me. and some money' - 38minutes ago
the rest of her statuses are just begging
>anyone have 400
>anyone have 200 for a phone sim
>anyone have 26usd doe a phone sim
>muh robbery
>muh hulu bills
>tell her and give her links to make money online
even links about female life easy mode where any female can buy a cam and make money
>still uses meetme
she is on ssi for muh autism
>does da 420
>has autism still
420 cures autism
>just asked for more titty pics over kik
>'ok'
>does not give titty pictures
>more whining
>so much whining that i just left that mess
been having this tension headache or whatever it is since i broke my other phone
12days now with it
i saw a female doctor who just told me to eat more
made a whole scene about it
but still told me to eat more
told me i have to take advil/ibpropen[?] with a meal every single day because of my chronic sneezing so it would go into my system faster
>one of those rude doctors who talk over you/talk with their hands while never giving you room to talk
wrinkles and everything
looked like an old washed out cat
but i go to a family doctor in like 5weeks
before that
i go to get my eyes checked because me mom thinks i got the headaches from looking at the computer all day
then after that i go to a head doctor and get catscans
then i go to the family doctor
i just wanna leave but not as a runaway-from-problem /leave/
leave as in be one with the clouds and stars
been sweating somewhat in me room
the heater is off and i think the fan is going
am just in me jamjams/a basic shirt and light jacket
like i be sitting and feel sweat
oh and almost got ran over by a car a few dreams ago
while it being out 'outside'
feel fine besides all that
the headahce now just lingers. i can feel it but am doing fine
i just can feel it
i just do not know what to do out of life anymore since i do not have any goals or seeking anything.
sure, i can get a car and drive down to the parts i grew up at but i have gotten used to the city/town i am in - even made an irl friend.  i know i am going to go back to my happier younger days when i die even if i do not travel to the places i grew up while am still living - i will go back.
even i have something /more/ than just a headache, i will be ready because it will all work out in the end.

mar/2018
>therapist in other room and we have stuff planned
>i heated up something to eat and told her straight up that i have porn pictures stream on me comp
>she in the living room waiting for me to finish me sandwhich because she is on a timeslot for 2hours
>room smells like cum/sweat and feet
>i showed her me nazi/occult stuff
ez pz
she left just now
the laundryplace inside the rent office is 1.75
not paying that
oh and she told me it was a good idea to wash the top of my games/consoles/manga
>muh dust
she watched me hang up my clothes but i just threw them on the ground when she left

more mutts;
https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/366522794139451392/418827266798125057/Screenshot_20180301-124806.png
https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/366522794139451392/418827328710508544/Screenshot_20180301-124818.png
https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/366522794139451392/418827328710508546/Screenshot_20180301-124843.png
https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/366522794139451392/418827329192722433/Screenshot_20180301-124837.png
https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/366522794139451392/418830912021594112/Screenshot_20180301-130200.png

this happened when i lifted up a mcds cup;
https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/366522794139451392/418958961513857027/20180301_213243.jpg

more paki scamming;
https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/354709664509853712/418917676379930625/unknown.png

restocked food;
https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/149340071177355265/419581001526935555/20180303_144201.jpg
https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/149340071177355265/419581055985647617/20180303_144214.jpg

restocked hrt pills;
https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/369648706225700864/419934926536835082/20180304_135831.jpg

was good day til mom brought up me pissing on the carpet in my room because i had cramps and could not hold my bladder
>she did not care because had her panties in a knot then told me i could not ever come back if i pissed on the rug again but the dog is allowed to piss on the rug
>tooth ache when was going to bed(edited)
today;
it was another family visit from CHAD
>CHAD talked about fixing up his backyard and spending money on a new car and being like tony again
>fam kindof shamed me for not getting my haircut because CHAD was going to get one
i just sat in living room playing tactics orge
>step-dad got butthurt because i did not let him drive me to get my haircut instead of CHAD driving me then talked down to me like a kid
ALL OF THEM WERE DRINKING BOTTLED WATER
>when the family jokes around 'am going to play [my name] today and do nothing xd' when they have a day off
>step-dad is now retired
told him 'no.' when he offered to have 'bonding time' with me
then he tried guilt tripping me and i just shrugged it off
then he got more butthurt
then i was all like 'what you talking about?'
then CHAD starting talking
>when the normies cannot stand someone not talking
he showed me this funny picture and thought i would enjoy it
https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/244198949122998273/419951803560624149/unknown.png
because i keep saying random maymays whenever they describe something
'whenever you go into this part of the area you will see
MY DICK
or when they ask a question
or anything
or when me mom asks CHAD if he is tired from working
i will say
sure am
>when chad is hitting wall
and looks 35-40
at age 26
>when i look/sound like age 16/17
at age 28

>talking to a 53yo ssbbw female
>hooks up with douchebags/jerks
>gets used by them
>wants to find her nice guy but keeps getting used
https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/366522794139451392/420034870476144640/unknown.png
https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/366522794139451392/420042061258162177/unknown.png

>mom thinks a bat would be safer than a gun
you shot someone = jail
you hit someone with a bat = no jail
how am i gunna kms with a bat?
cannot send me to jail for kms
;]

https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/149340071177355265/414119843420176384/unknown.png

therapost wants to take me to one of these
https://www.meetup.com/Louisville-Adult-Aspies-High-Functioning-Auties-socializers/
>mpsy of them are females
am typing in dark atm
i dun even need to read the group
i just need to irl shitpost and irl maymay
>so like have y'all ever thought of goin on one of those cam sites and doing cam shows like myfreecams or twitch or even stickam [stickam has been LONG since dead btw]
>no? it is ez pz money like for side change and a great start to make friends online while doing something you enjoy and can show to others
>still not sure? just look up female priviledge[?]
>males can do it too but am not sure how because mostly i have seen females so it
>y'all into urban exploration? i know a fun spot i have seen on youtube a few times [ tell them to visit the nigger hood part of the city]
>y'all heard of 4chan? it is pretty crazy.

still going to take that 4hour class and buy gun
next month tho
she also told me before that cops are the good guys
and you can only go to jail if you steal something
a few days after i got scammed by a homeless girl, she told me i dun need mney because i got scammed
>when you remember everything your parents said/did to you
i could ez pz rekt them by saying
>you sure you wanna say that? reflect what would happen if you get old and need my help'
my brother can only be around so much because of work
and taking care of his own life
am not that type of person to say that
but still

found this on fetlife;
https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/244198949122998273/422167884433850378/unknown.png
'I was born in London then mom left my father we went back to China were I grew up. Got a student visa to go to usf then applied to be citizen. I love music and outdoors. I cook well and clean well. I am very very sub. Sexually I like very kinky use yes I know what very means hope you do to.I am 19 love men and woman very much and well other things too'

only got 8hours of sleep out of 12
when trannies start hitting you up
nibba i tryin to sleep not play games
when you cannot really do anything because stuck with waifu in bed
>watch nicktoons before go to sleep because it was bugging me
>sleep for 8hours with waifu
>boarder jumping-bean little-to-no-english speaking mexicant non-passable tranny asking for 20minute sex at 5am
>he starts sending nudes of his flat ass/man tits
>told him 'i dun care if you are the unwokest wide-eye dope-ass nibba alive, go back to sleep - too early for this shit.'
>insommia woke me up for this
now listening to zipplin and hearing the birds outside
those 2 images are me right now fam
>when you can type on keyboard in the dark
>have half-empty gruitcup/can on yab/other food around me desk sitting on beanbag in me jamjams listening to zipplin as the sun comes out with a smol headache
nibba give me dat zzzquil

>get headaches from drinking tub water from water jug
>clean jug
>walk to store to get brita filter
>try to install it on a section8 hud housing sink
>back goes out from all the bending
>online tells me to remove part of the sink where the water comes out of
>parents do not know how to do that and tell me to 'just keep buying water bottles, goy'
>apt staff do not work sundays
>parents too busy watching niggers play bball on tv to come help me and just tell me to buy bottles
>parents have plans to go to the MALL TO JUST BUY STEP-DAD 1 PAIR OF UNDERWEAR WHEN STEP-DAD COULD DRIVE HIS CAR TO THE LOCAL WALMART HE USED TO WORKED AT AND COULD GET DISCOUNT

my therapist wanted me apply at gamestop because she kept seeing hiring signs there but went i went in to ask they told me they could hold onto my job paper for 2years

>2months on female hormones
>trying to look at porn on my phone
>open up 26tabs
>nose already runng so the screan keeps getting wet
>samsung vr keeps popping up
>then got a black scream for a while
>start sneezing and already have a headache
>close porn tabs and make something to eat/take an advil
>phone starts installing random shit
>got grindr on me phone now
>joined to see if gays are really that cock hungry and try to scam them
>gays start hitting on me and straight up asking for dick pictures
gay still hitting on me - even old men because i look cute
i just had to shut down me phone
and tomorrow i go for allergy testing

imgur.com/a/VVJ2U
>the pig asking for 145usd
>i need 150 to drive to there
>a full tank is 30
>from cali to louisville ky is 2158miles
which cost more than 150
like 233
>she says it does not matter
so i asked her what type of car she drives
>the kik video app closes on her phone but she can record a video from her phone
>does not want more than 150
>does not want to inbrace female priviledge to get money
but wants free hand-outs
>her skin tone is black but says she is not black
>too fat [344lbs] to get out of her car but needs to put gas in her car
>says she used to work for paypal customer supprt 4years ago
but there is no background about her working there but still has contact with her 'boss' because her 'boss' suddenly just contacted her from no-where giving her a promotion to be a manager at telemarketing for paypal in louisville
paypal cannot get someone to drive to where she is and bring her back
paypal cannot pay her for gas
but has not worked in 4years
>house burnt down in fire
>cannot get loan or a bank acc
but applied for ssi recently but whines about it could takes years [takes 1monht - 2years to get it in cali]
>is 22
>does not send nudes but has nudes on a website
i just asked the pig
>are you stuck in your car

>drank too much carrot juice/tub water and starting to not think and just feel disconnected
*opens up chrome without thinking

just trolled one of those gov grant callers
i acted like i just woke up and did not know what to do with money
like
at first i /want/ed it but like i kept switching hands
and the scammer got mad at me
kept wanting my card
and like
i kept saying i do not have a card or anything
like
>can you just like gimmi dat paypal
>no we need your card info
>so like you gunna give me a card
>yes. i need your card info
>ok. am ready for the card info
>no. we need /your/ cc info. what is your cc info?
>well i do like walmart cards
can you put it on that?
>yes yes. what is your address
>i like live with my mom and all so like
>sir sir we need your address
>[give him address i had a few years ago]
>thank you sit. we have number for you to call to get your grant
>you gotta call what?
>no sir. we have a number you call and tell them you have grant waiting
>but what about my walmart card
>yes yes sir. we can put it on gift card for you
>but i feel like i am being scammed
>no
>you sure this is n-
>yes sir. this no scam. we need you to ca-
>call who?
>sir. please call number and a-
>my mommy said i was a good boy. can you call me a good boy?
>yes sir. you are a good boy now pl-
>my mommy also said not to talk to stwrangers because stwranger dwanger but you seem like good big man
>yes sir. i am big man for you
hang up

>missed a meeting with a cls person because it took me 6hours to fully wake up
like could not think

https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/244198949122998273/423848948701331467/Screenshot_20180315-102220.png
https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/244198949122998273/423857188700684289/Screenshot_20180315-105612.png

https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/244198949122998273/425406260498792448/Screenshot_20180319-173213.png
https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/244198949122998273/425406393638584320/Screenshot_20180319-173300.png
https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/244198949122998273/425406470310592524/Screenshot_20180319-173319.png
https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/244198949122998273/425406543920496640/Screenshot_20180319-173336.png

https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/244198949122998273/425407117260881920/Screenshot_20180319-173552.png
https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/244198949122998273/425407226614906880/Screenshot_20180319-173620.png
https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/244198949122998273/425407284575993876/Screenshot_20180319-173633.png

>asked over 30females to sit on my face
>get signs 3dpd female do not want me
>gays do not want me when i ask them to pay2play
>sit on my beanbag with shit in me unders for past 30minutes listening to hip hop and eating pork sandwhich
>been in the same clothes for a month and have not bathed in 3months
>told therapist to visit me next month
living the dream

>was trying to root phone
>almost done
>sneezed and phone fell on ground and got a flush os error
1 month later
>hand twitched pushed phone in water
>dropped phone on ground while cleaning it
>the phone is made out of glass and i picked it up holding it wrong way
>got cut on finger
not saying bad luck but i must have had walked under or broken something years ago

april 2018;
more shitposting
https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/366522794139451392/427178042381828107/Screenshot_20180324-145040.png
https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/366522794139451392/427178061281361920/Screenshot_20180324-145057.png
https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/366522794139451392/427178075885666305/Screenshot_20180324-145101.png

https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/366522794139451392/427178142088560643/Screenshot_20180324-102928.png

https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/366522794139451392/427178175596855296/Screenshot_20180324-103502.png
https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/366522794139451392/427178216092860416/Screenshot_20180324-103556.png
https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/366522794139451392/427178244953866251/Screenshot_20180324-104247.png
https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/366522794139451392/427178282698407936/Screenshot_20180324-104316.png

https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/244198949122998273/430035721353560064/Screenshot_20180401-120435.png
https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/244198949122998273/430035757252608025/Screenshot_20180401-120446.png
https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/244198949122998273/430035798977544192/Screenshot_20180401-120459.png
https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/244198949122998273/430035830015393812/Screenshot_20180401-120506.png
https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/244198949122998273/430035859492831245/Screenshot_20180401-120516.png
https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/244198949122998273/430035890119901185/Screenshot_20180401-120528.png
https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/244198949122998273/430035921853874179/Screenshot_20180401-120535.png
https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/244198949122998273/430035956377190400/Screenshot_20180401-120548.png
https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/244198949122998273/430036010932371457/Screenshot_20180401-120555.png
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https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/244198949122998273/430036118017146889/Screenshot_20180401-120616.png
https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/244198949122998273/430036158379065345/Screenshot_20180401-120622.png
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